nonliteral

Do not ask what can you do for your anxiety, but instead ask yourself what anxiety can do for you. It can get you slimmer, it can make you hyper aware, it can reveal absolute limits within which you can still barely function. All in all, it's one huge act of self discovery! You charge blindly and unwillingly where your mutined chemistry leads, agitating your body and spirit to the very essence. One can only accept it, waiting for it to end, or can charge ahead against the wave. The more you fight it, the harder it becomes. Sometimes you create trouble in the outside world just to match disorder in your head. It all must be hectic, unpredictable, make it or break it. Anxiety is not punk rock, because it asks for safety, reassurances, where you can't find any. It's against the principles of DIY as well, because imprefection is not to be tolerated. You think everything hangs by a thread, but rarely we see the thread and can do something about it. It's anti-life as a human existence. Therefore, we must embrace it to climb back to reality, to accept life as it is, make is as you go exercise, getting across the river by jumping from rock to rock. We rebel against the life, we do not accept the terms, because they are not fair and do not work in our favor, we can build fortresses of security, only for them to be razed sooner or later. We leave at peace from time to time, untill it rocks us. Well, we can screw it by making choices, it can work for us if we do things despite. Hitting against the wave it is. The more choices we make, the more we will retrieve some sense of control. Just saying, we can determine ourselves, so even if it scrathes us, we do not lose touch with reality.  

Brothers and sisters. Fellow music makers. All of you that are sitting in your homes with headphones on producing your next song. As you are probably aware, we have seised the means of production. Lesser than ever before, we depend upon expensive studios to make and record our music. Music making equipment is getting affordable now, and you can make a decent song on an absurdly cheap equipment - not to mention that the audience has become more receptive to lo-fi sound. But there's one thing we are lacking - the means of distribution. 

To publish your music online, most likely you will use places like Bandcamp. But their player sucks, it poorly supports embedding to social networks, and most importantly, much less than ever people are downloading music to listen it from their devices. Now it's all about streaming. I usually listen to music from Youtube these days. Unfortunately, everything now is a service. 

But most services and if not all are private, use untransparent alghorithms, feed you commercials, there we need our own service. But that costs money and you need people. The desire for an independant service could lead eventually to another private and untransparent service.  

I talked too much about music lately, and although I have a new album and it's New Year (Happy New Year everyone - that's settled) for a long time the topic of driving was eluding the posts here. Finally, I have to look upon what is now a significant part of my life, having influenced me in many different ways. It could take a couple of pages to do that so I'm just going to write about a single specific aspect of it, and it's already in the title. Yeah, driving a car is a social event. 

You may struggle with driving technique, or traffic rules, and it makes you discouraged, and you may think you will never get better, but only if you could perfectly control the car then anxiety will wear off? Or you may think you will die in a crash or whatever, but in the end, it's the social aspect of driving behind all these fears. The moment you enter the street in your car you are connected with random people either driving other cars, or pedestrians, or (oh, these suicidal guys) cyclists. You enter and find yourself with others of whom you know nothing, you may not even know if they want to move forward, or left, or right, or reverse, or just stay in place. You try to read the situation, look for clues, maybe stare into the rearview mirror to check the driver behind, do some basic profiling and wonder if this guy is going to be pissed if you don't start moving quick enough when the light goes green. How will she/he react when you hit him if you are on a hill trying to climb and you fuck up the clutch? What will random pedestrian do standing there on the island between lanes, is he suicidal, waiting to jump in front of your car as you are passing, or some drunk which will blissfully take a bold step in front of your car? What if any kind of shit happens and the other party is a bit insane and has a baseball bat, a gun? What if someone gets so angry at you for your random mistake and tries to get you out of your car by force? 

I would not self diagnose myself as someone who has social phobia, and I can manage almost all social situations. I am old and experienced and so I don't get impulsive. Usually I am very patient. I can tolerate someone stealing my place in the long queue while waiting for a less generous green light. But I used to live a life in which I could choose people I meet, places I go, and of course as a pedestrian I meet all the random people as well - but I am a pedestrian with 44 years of experience, I can read the situations and I think I am very good at that. But as I drive all of this is taken away from me, and I am driving blind in a way. 

Where do I start? Where do I go? I am swallowed by the music. Will it spit me out at any moment? I don't think so, it isn't likely to happen, the machine has picked up a speed and momentum is too strong. It is to be determined if the machine is actually moving inside a vacuum, so it will just pick up more and more speed, or does it move inside some substance, gas like or otherwise, which will gradually slow it down. It must be the former, things always stop, but it does not seem that likely for the foreseeable future.

Playing in no less than two bands, just a year after when I started to think that band activities are definitely part of the past and that in my age it must be over with these things. That alone gave me one final push to finally release my first proper solo album in nine years. I have a video announcing the release here. Aaand, I have yet another video inspired by the drawing made by my Celik Promet comrade, Midzi, it's here. It's the closest you will get to new music by Celik Promet these days. But we must do with what we have. 

Finally, I was about to sit down and write a music review of a recent concert. I never meant this to be a blog about my music activities. But it's midnight already on a workday and I must postpone it, as I do with a bunch of other things.

You will know when the time comes. Get your flag and just burn it. Burn it already. Sometimes true appreciation can only come out of disrespect. Love for our great flag is now taught in schools for generations, younger generations will not know any other way of being. They are already blinded by this kind of plastic love which creates its own unreal subject, and yet it is completely swallowed by it, not finding any way out of the rat maze, and sticking to it stubbornly even when there is nobody around to challenge it. 

On another note, a friend is not truly a friend without some distancing. You may not like your friend, but it's useful to despise what you don't like about them for their own sake and for the sake of friendship. Do not create a bad symbiosis, apathetic peace, getting along where everything is understood and unspoken, don't miss great opportunities for friction! This is when important things happen, this is a unique human touch. Being with, but not just being. You can give up on a friend and that's fine. Just don't let the emptiness reside between. 

You can give up on a country or a friend. But the myth of a country or a nation may haunt you much more via its representatives, symbiotic subjects, narcissist community, incestuous libido promoters, and since we are all aready deep in disenlightenment - it’s turbo powered priests, riding among sick and poor behind bullet proof glass, and still preaching the same story not of heaven on earth, but of glorious past that is now lost - but if we all try enough, we may enjoy the same glory again, although that supposes that some people will be very rich, and most will only have their flag to wave and use it as a toilet paper when they find none. 

I'm on mood wipers right now. Also, I listen to The Wipers these days (I also listen to Lil Peep a lot, but let's keep that story for another time). Looking for information on the band, not any particular information, just any information, because as the band that was active decades ago it's expected that information slowly drifts towards oblivion, I found that the frontman Greg Sage had "original goal was to release 15 records in ten years, free of traditional band aspects like touring and photo shoots". And somehow immediately I thought, ok so release 15 albums and retire from music, right? On second thought, it seems it's not what he wanted to say, it was just the first ten year plan, bolshevik punk planned economy style of thinking. And really, making music is what is the essence of being an author as a musician, not touring, doing interviews, etc.

But it would make sense to retire after 15 albums, after all, for many authors doing more than a couple is just an extra, uncalled for, and doesn't serve any other purpose than helping author's income, if there is some income to be made at all. I understand the ambition, because locking yourself into a studio just to make albums, sounds like a lot of fun. Many things to try and plenty of time to make music, something that rare musicians can afford. 

I don't know what he meant, maybe it was taken out of context, or not literally. But this is a nonliteral place that you are visiting now and I want to tell you that in the coming weeks my next album will be released. Like, it will be soooo released!

Back when I was a small kid, maybe 4 or 5 years old, I don't remember exactly, but I do remember this. Every Saturday to Sunday night I had one same dream that I was always convinced that I would have that dream again next Saturday. I was much better connected to my dreams when I was little, ludic dreaming was happening quite often and I had the ability to wake up if the dream was too boring or unpleasant. I had my own technique for waking up, like falling from a great height. Of course, you could ask but how did you know it wasn't a dream and that you would end up dead? Well, I told you, it was a lucid dream with perfect awareness that I am in a dream, there was an intuitive feeling just as you are aware that you are awake. Anyway, let's leave that discussion for later. That same dream I had was about me walking down all alone in an empty socialist era one floor shopping centre. Well, not exactly a shopping center you might think of, but just a simple brutalist wide building with some shops, post office, cinema, and a supermarket. Every time, the scenery was the same, same weather, it was sunny with some clouds, and I was walking around building and plants around it, fooling around concrete structures laying around. And that was it. That was my safe place. Not that I had any troubles in real life back, and I think my early childhood was very happy, but I still felt the need to go there and be alone. Which is maybe a scary part, but then who wouldn't want to be left alone from time to time, not because of some relation problems, but positively and productively.

Oh my dear friends, it's been a while! That doesn't mean I wasn't doing anything. Quite the opposite, making the album took a lot of time and work was hard, still I am close to finishing it. There were few Digital Prayer exibitions in the meantime, and when I could I did small incremental updates to this site but had very little time to put in any content. I hope this is going to change, but I have many plans in the pipeline so I could easily get overwhelmed again, need to be careful there! 

At least in these Corona times, staying and home and working on things seems like an only option for some fun. I should also revamp Ex>Misha site, but just thinking about going through it again scares me a bit. I will try to start small and gradually build it, if I ever start that is. 

Obviously no concert reviews or real life stories to write about, and I try to stay away from venting political anger because it is futile anyway. We do that on social networks anyway. Instead, let's do something constructive. But hey in this hypnotically boring lockdown life I can only think of writing about how I like to play Train Simulator or take my cat out on a leash. One other thing I am likely to write is to explain my lo-fi style why I stick to it in music and where I think it will get me. All in due time.

Album has to be finished this week, and then I have to wait for cover art which hopefully I am not going to do myself this time. Outsourcing is a great option now when the time is tight. A month ago I thought that was it, then I went on remixing spree. Last week a great new idea came up for a song. I loved it so much that I am postponing a release just finish it and include on the album. That's it for now, hope I will get back to writing before I get overwhelmed with other ideas.

When you’re out of the quarantine only to find out that quarantine is a multilayered thing, it does not apply to staying at home only, as you go out you will find many other limitations that are not so obvious. But they are there, it's not only limits imposed by the situation, but also ones that are internal, self imposed. Therefore, the world is still a bit lifeless, colorless, call it what you want. It's still a great looking cookie, but it has no taste at all. You can watch it, but you cannot enjoy it. Thus, I would rather go back inside than see the outside in this sorry state. Alas, not everybody agrees, but I just can't get into that mindset. 

And at home, I have created a void. Hopefully that will end soon. Just had too much frustration with writing lyrics for my songs. I am hardly satisfied with the lyrics I've written so far, but I am even less satisfied with vocal tracks for my new album. But I guess dissatisfaction is a part of the process. I would pretend that I am in no hurry, although I am very much because I want this done so I can move to new adventures, and I don't want to see anything unfinished, especially if I think it is good overall, otherwise, I wouldn't bother. 

Another retroactively published post. MayDay it is. May Day it was. 

I posted some lyrics, I mean poems that are actually lyrics for my next album. So now you know I haven't given up on my new album, I haven't even given up on this website as you can see. Back to the poems, silly me, I wasn't aware about encoding issues so now you have garbled text which you will see if you visit website now. But it's funny, because by the time you read this post that issue will be fixed. I wanted to post more stuff but somehow my other poems got lost in the cloud. I guess the cloud rained down, and now I need to check my computers because my poems are scattered all over the place!

Focusing on work does help to deal with this a situation, which still feels like a timeless limbo on endless repeat. The real issue is that my life is completely the same, except that I still work, and yes I have work and I can work from home which somehow isn't consoling at all, and I, like many others, wonder about everything... Not the perfect creative atmosphere mind you. But new songs are my focus, and my focus is unofocused, and it's like a radio station from a far away, so sometimes you get a good signal, sometimes you don't. But ultimately, nobody's expecting creative burst from anyone, let alone myself, so I am just a drama queen, my own evil master, but still a master, huh.